yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
