I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
