I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
