dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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