She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
