i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
FUCK WHALES
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