I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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