wat bout pragnant strippers??
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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