mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
