Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
