I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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