I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
