Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
We just shotgunned beers for America
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
