good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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