if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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