I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
