And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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