Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
