I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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