So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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