turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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