Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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