we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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