my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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