i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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