wrigley field is MILF paradise
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
