I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
