I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
