Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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