Plan B is the new Plan A
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
