I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
