Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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