Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
