remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
