I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
