Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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