Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
