Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
