I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
