we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
home. puking in laundry basket.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
