but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She's the barista slut.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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