I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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