i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
