i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
