yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
