you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
