Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
