I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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