just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
