can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
