I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
